THREE APPROACHES TO THE TOUGH CONVERSATION AND THE NECESSARY DOCUMENTS

 

Sometimes joyful occasions like visiting family on Birthdays, Easter, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas can illuminate health or cognitive issues in our older loved ones.

When you arrive home, you may notice that Mom, Dad, or Grandma may have aged more than expected, or suddenly seem to need more assistance with daily tasks.

OR

Maybe your elderly loved ones are doing just fine, but you recognize that they are getting older, and the reality is that you need to discuss important topics and decisions for their retirement, their long-term care and their advanced years and end-of-life wishes.

Prepare yourself… these are the toughest conversations you will ever have with your parents! It will get uncomfortable, but these are the very conversations that must be had and are necessary.

You must be able to establish a Trust Relationship. This relationship of trust must be established where your parent understands that you will

not be taking control, but rather you are going to be carrying out the aging parent’s objectives.

The goal is to Help your parents understand why these conversations are crucial to help them prepare for the future.

 

HOW DO I ASSURE THAT MY SENIOR LOVED ONES ARE PREPARED?

It’s no secret that the need to care for an aging family member tends to sneak up on everyone. Both adult children and their parents tend to avoid thinking about getting sick or aging.

I was thrown into becoming a caregiver and the eldercare journey when my own parents began to need help both due to age and illness. At that point I realized how important it was to collect information and to have it handy and available to make important life decisions. Through my own personal experience as well as professional experience helping other families, it is more difficult to cope with the uncertainty, stress, and confusion of eldercare due to a lack of clear understanding and preparation.

I used to be certain that life held only two absolute truths. Death and taxes. However, as I have aged, I recognize a third truth, and that’s eldercare.

The only questions are: how long is it going to last, and how intense is it going to be? It is important to prepare while Mom and Dad are still competent. By anticipating what will be needed for the eldercare journey, you can make the trip much less stressful for everyone involved.”

HOW CAN I DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR MY “LOVED ONE” BUT STILL LET THEM HAVE CONTROL?

Most parents still feel they should be the ones in control. After all, they are the parent. However, as the parent’s mental competency wanes, the access to their information and desires is also lost.

If you allow your parents, to be in control while still allowing you to do what needs to be done, this helps ease their distress. Begin the conversation and preparation where they can control what their desires and wishes are for the future, so that you can work together with them to put the right plans in place.

Let your parents know that their wishes are the only things that are important and that you are there to assist and care for them.

 

HOW DO I CREATE A NEW TRUST RELATIONSHIP WITH MY LOVED ONES?

There must be a Trust Relationship. The role reversal that most people have heard about is real. The parent now has become the cared-for person. You must make sure “you are not becoming the authority figure.” but rather you are becoming the agent for the parents.

Like a power-of-attorney, you simply there to deliver your parents’ wishes.

 

HOW DO I GATHER THE PERTINENT INFORMATION NEEDED TO CARE FOR MY LOVED ONE?

At the time of crisis guessing about your parents’ wishes, their vital and financial information will likely result in a bad situation, and potentially bad decisions, for all involved.

Having the ability to gather pertinent information about your loved ones ahead of time is the best way to combat potential problems.

Remember that just because you are not yet a senior citizen does not make you exempt from dying or becoming mentally incapacitated earlier than expected. So… early preparation is recommended for everyone.

 

WHAT PERTINENT DOCUMENTS DO WE NEED FOR ELDERCARE READINESS?

Our life is bookended by essential documents, many of which are necessary for family members to successfully carry out end of life care and wishes. But which documents are the most important?

Below you will find a quick rundown of the ones you will need and that should be discussed with your aging loved one.

 

WHAT FINANCIAL INFORMATION DO I NEED TO GATHER?

Financial information can be crucial in many instances for timely, efficient, and more affordable care. Vital financial information:

• List of all bank accounts
• Pension documents, 401(k) information, and annuity contracts
• Tax returns
• Savings bonds, stock certificates or brokerage accounts
• Partnership and corporate operating agreements
• Deeds to all properties
• Vehicle title
• Documentation of loans and debts, including all credit accounts
• Trust documents and durable financial power-of-attorney (financial proxy)
• Also critical is access to the information. Just because you may know what the parents own, does not mean you can get access to information regarding the assets, or be able to transact on behalf of the parent. This is where having proper releases (or a power of attorney or trust) on file with the asset holders and having them accepted as being sufficient for the particular purpose is necessary.
• Healthcare Documents You Need
• If a senior becomes incapacitated or can’t communicate, it’s important that the senior’s wishes be stated in a living will or health care advance directive, and that someone with the authority to represent the senior has been designated. Furman advises,
• “Since you never know what healthcare problems will arise or when you’ll have to visit a hospital, being able to quickly grab official paperwork such as a healthcare power-of-attorney or an advanced healthcare directive can eliminate a lot of stress at the hospital. Doctors want proof that you are the decision-maker, and all of the decisions should already be made.”
• Important healthcare documents include:
• Healthcare proxy (durable health power-of-attorney)
• Authorization to release healthcare information
• Living will (healthcare directive)
• Personal medical history
• Insurance card (Medicare, Medicaid, Independent)
• Long-term care insurance policy
• Lists of current medication and health conditions

 

When it comes to healthcare decisions, remember that the agent is the proxy for the parent in carrying out these decisions in the same manner that they would have had they been able to.

Parents or family members need to provide a lot of detail. A broad statement is not enough.

“If specific wishes are not clearly communicated, the family and kids have to step up and decide what to do based on their own idea, or best guess, of what Mom or Dad may have wanted in a specific healthcare situation.” A lack of communicated and written wishes just fuels the flames of family battles as these decisions, albeit in good faith, are made subject to each child’s biases and life experiences. I always suggest that the parents clearly state in writing what they want, so that everyone can just focus on delivering those wishes.

 

HOW DO I PREPARE NOW FOR END OF LIFE AND ESTATE PLANNING FOR MY LOVED ONE?

We can save ourselves and our loved ones the burden of disorganization at this crucial time by making sure that documents related to estate planning and end-of-life have been drawn up, are up-to-date, and easily available. Essential end-of-life documents include the following:

• Will and trust
• Life-insurance policies
• End of life instructions letter (regarding wishes not covered in will, for example regarding memorial, or items not covered in the will)
• Organ donor card or information
• Appropriate estate planning documentation is also necessary if you’re in any situation where the ability to do estate planning is at risk.

 

HOW DO I BEGIN THE ELDER CARE JOURNEY?

When you are ready to begin the eldercare journey, it is recommended that you evaluate your family’s legal capacity or consult with an elder law attorney to ensure that there are not any misconceptions about your loved one’s care.

Sad to say many prospective clients only seek legal advice when something has happened to one of them, or something has progressed, and they need to have control of assets. For Example…“The wife may have Alzheimer’s or dementia and the husband waited until he must act due to an external event forcing them to see me (such as a financial institution refusing to let the husband have information about an account in the wife’s name, for instance).”

At this point, the individual may have already lost capacity to execute documents which creates a much more challenging estate planning need.

 

HOW AND WHEN…DO I TAKE ACTION TO HELP MY LOVED ONE?

This type of planning must also take place well in advance to protect assets. One must be Proactive, not Reactive.

If families are reacting to events that occur without the planning in place, it is often too late, or it becomes much more challenging and consequently much more expensive.”

So… as you are headed home to visit your parents, I suggest planning. Even if your senior loved ones are in good health, start the conversation about end-of-life wishes early. It’s better to be prepared and to let your parents know you are their advocate.